Musings

When I look back at my little life which I have spent till now I find how lonely I have been. Yes thats what I feel which no one will ever agree. Because I am the guy who does crazy stuff, play the joker, make people happy, party ,roam around with friends ,travel and what not. But then in the crowd I am always alone . If I can call some one whom I can rely on they would be only my parents. I have had many friends been in relationships but none worked out and I wonder why? Was i too much eager? Because I have always given 100% to my relations  but couldn't expect anything out of it. My friends have done things, kept secrets which I should have known but always came to know from others. My friends have done things to me imagined or otherwise which I wouldn't ever do to them. They told me 'dude! Get a life we don't need you. You have fulfilled your utility". Despite this I stuck to them ,helping them, listening to them but when I needed some one I had to go back to my room and sit alone and support myself.

Yes its good that I don't need anyone's support but then I am a human and at times also desire some care from my friends. But I am who I am don't need anyone. I have the curse of loneliness. Whenever I thought I have fallen in love I have managed to screw up my life. Whenever life seems rosy ,my fate twists and the person of my affection just deserts me. What is it in me which attracts people to me but never lets them understand me?

Easy questions but no answers. I am sure by the time I die I'll have my answers till then I'll keep on fighting and making friends and be lonely .